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Devil's Minion
The Night has a Thousand Eyes. 
15th-Mar-2015 10:48 am
I didn't fit the mold of an alcoholic. I was young but I didn't party overmuch. I wasn't a loner. I shot my dreams high. Big plans. Big smile. I was a nice college boy with two nice parents. Maybe that's why I liked dive bars. They were a warm portal to a dirty world. I got some cheap thrills and a quick prod at the underbelly of a city before retreating back to my nice, safe life. I did tequila shots with homeless people. They had great stories to tell. There were no holes in my life but I still filled them with hooch.

I never drank on New Year's Eve. Waking up with a massive hangover on the first day of a new year just seemed to curse it. By then I was superstitious. The world was suddenly crazy. Vampires existed and I was prepared for anything. I saw them everywhere I looked and I looked everywhere.

I still drink too much. The world is still crazy. I still imagine that shining eyes burn into my skin when I'm not looking.
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Comments 
15th-Mar-2015 12:14 pm (UTC)
For me, a lot of time alcohol is a medicine for the soul. I haven't got drunk too often, but when I did everything intensified. If I was sad I would embarrass my friend by weeping in the middle of the street as if someone I've known just died. If I was lonely I would flirt with random guys, if I was angry... Well, I never really got drunk when I was angry, I guess I was too scared to do that.

After these nights, I felt empty - but the weight I had on my shoulders was a bit lighter, as if I could carry it on for a few more weeks.

Do you miss being drunk?
15th-Mar-2015 01:05 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that sounds about right. Except that a few weeks of buoyancy soon begin to shrink, first to a week and a few days and finally a few scant hours. Then the weight starts to come back heavier.

God but I do miss it.
15th-Mar-2015 01:14 pm (UTC)
Isn't the feeling after drinking now better, though? I imagine it as a mix between the feeling of a baby being fed for the first time, taking LSD, and perhaps an orgasm.
15th-Mar-2015 01:29 pm (UTC)
I can't remember the first of those, but I can sure vouch for the last two.

It's different now. It's intense, euphoric and even more addictive. You get an instant hit that satisfies every craving you've ever had and for a while after you're floating in Shangri-La.

But when the pretty dreams scatter you're back where you started. Or worse. Spiritual hangover.
15th-Mar-2015 01:38 pm (UTC)
Ha. I knew that everything that makes you really high will also drag you really low, but I've never thought this might have its own special low. It sounds a lot scarier than a headache and throwing up as well.

But its like seesaw, you know? The part in the middle never moves, but no one wants to sit over there. We want the edges, we want to be as high as possible. So there will be a fall for sure.
15th-Mar-2015 01:44 pm (UTC)
Yeah, anything comfortable is always invisible. I only noticed extremes and now I need the extremes to be comfortable, even when I'm not.

Edited at 2015-03-15 01:44 pm (UTC)
15th-Mar-2015 01:49 pm (UTC)
I can understand it. Though... anyone need to have a time or place to just breath.
Then again, sometimes just standing still can make one breathless.
15th-Mar-2015 01:50 pm (UTC)
Or want to get drunk.
15th-Mar-2015 01:53 pm (UTC)
Now it's start to sound like in the little prince...
15th-Mar-2015 01:57 pm (UTC)
When I crashed, it wasn't The Little Prince I found; it was the snake.
15th-Mar-2015 02:03 pm (UTC)
If I remember correctly, the snake was clever. If I'll ever be crashed, I'd prefer to find the snake rather than the little prince.
15th-Mar-2015 02:11 pm (UTC)
I can't change it now. I drank that poison.
15th-Mar-2015 02:21 pm (UTC)
But it sounds like you still far away from home.
15th-Mar-2015 02:33 pm (UTC)
And still running.
15th-Mar-2015 02:46 pm (UTC)
Now I feel this motherly instinct creeps inside of me and just want to hug you until you'll be happy again.

Edited at 2015-03-15 08:04 pm (UTC)
21st-Mar-2015 07:30 am (UTC)
I'm a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for.

Thanks for the thought. That's cute.
21st-Mar-2015 10:48 am (UTC)
A person can't be a tale, because after the end of the tale there is nothing, and after the end of the person there's always something left.

And you're welcome :)
23rd-Mar-2015 01:29 pm (UTC)
That's a poetic thought but there's no end to it.
(Deleted comment)
23rd-Mar-2015 01:35 pm (UTC)
They did cast River Phoenix as me.

Yeah, Armand made me drink. Armand made me crazy. I got into that bottle and I never found my way out. I often think it would be great if I could still drink like that. It didn't help me then and it won't help me now but it sure satisfied something.
(Deleted comment)
23rd-Mar-2015 02:39 pm (UTC)
High and unusual stress. Yeah, that's Armand all over.

You know he's still doing it. Still stalking me and playing his mind games. He's come to San Fransisco just to torment me and now I see him everywhere.

I was with him for years. I was his cat's paw. I told Lestat and he put some of it in his book but it was endless. He would prod me to see what I would do and how much he could control me. He did control me. He's still doing it.
(Deleted comment)
23rd-Mar-2015 03:25 pm (UTC)
I was once a romantic. I understand. I'm really sorry but I'm just not like that any more and I'm pretty bitter about it. I don't want to tread on your dreams. I know that he'll read all of this so there's a bit of me that doesn't want to say anything here that he'll like to see. He lives for mind games and he's rarely direct.

When anyone thinks about love they rarely think about anything destructive. But that's what it was. I loved him to the point of obsession and I grew to hate him too. I'm pretty sure it was the same for him too. Can't live with him and can't live without him.
(Deleted comment)
23rd-Mar-2015 03:59 pm (UTC) - Re: love and control
Yes, I love my tormentor. I love those soft brown eyes even when I can see the glint of malice there too. I love his cold, slender hands even when they press too hard.
(Deleted comment)
11th-Apr-2015 11:27 am (UTC) - Re: love and control
He doesn't like to be called Amadeo. Not any more.

I have seen compassion in him but not very often. I've known tender moments and I've known sweetness. I think it surprises even him when he's like that and he doesn't resist it. No, he's not usually compassionate. Not at all. That was all burned dry out of him when he stopped being Amadeo.
(Deleted comment)
15th-Apr-2015 09:16 pm (UTC) - Re: love and control
Yes, I do know what you mean. He's a many layered being. It doesn't make him any easier to love.
(Deleted comment)
15th-Apr-2015 11:12 pm (UTC) - Re: love and control
You don't know how I feel about him. It's too real to be uncomplicated.

It probably seems easy when you haven't dealt with him for forty years. He has been my lover for most of that. I don't know what other word to use. Lover works only because there isn't a better one. Demon lover. Demon for sure.

I'm all out of words for him. Easy certainly isn't a word that works for Armand. Nothing about him is easy. In many ways Lestat is easier than Armand. Bastards both, but Lestat is usually much kinder.

I tend to stay away from the others where I can.

23rd-Mar-2015 02:14 am (UTC)
I wonder, did you feel those same shining eyes last night?
23rd-Mar-2015 01:37 pm (UTC)
I should have guessed you were back in the city. What do you want? Have you come to see your handiwork?
9th-Apr-2015 02:44 am (UTC)
What do I want? Is there any question of that left in your mind now?
11th-Apr-2015 11:29 am (UTC)
Stop it. Why can't you say what you mean just this once!
14th-Apr-2015 01:40 am (UTC)
I do. You're just not listening.
15th-Apr-2015 09:01 pm (UTC)
Then tell me!
23rd-Apr-2015 12:25 am (UTC)
If you don't know what I want by now, perhaps you never will.
24th-Mar-2015 07:05 pm (UTC)

There used to be this dive bar in New Orleans.  Flanagan ' s it was called.  You would have loved it.  I loved it.  It was perfectly dingy and very old..probably haunted too - but what place in New Orleans isn't haunted?  It closed last year or rather moved to a new venue in North Rampart.  I haven't been to the new place yet.  Flanagan ' s though it had character.  Best bloody Mary's I ever had in New Orleans.  Not bad fried catfish either actually.   I spent hours in that place..drinking and hanging out with friends.  Met a few interesting folk passing through.  Place had an almost Cheers like atmosphere.  Friendly staff. 


I was sad to see it closed.  But such is life in a poor economy. 


Athena

27th-Mar-2015 02:15 pm (UTC)
Being dingy and old is what makes a good bar. People's lives have been etched into the surfaces.
28th-Mar-2015 04:04 am (UTC)

Indeed.  I do love such places even if all I can drink is diet pepsi now..Napoleon House is still there another old dingy restaurant..and Lafitte - love Lafittes  - That place is haunted by pirates.  Pat Obrien ' s. .Pirates Alley Cafe..God I miss New Orleans..and I've only been away from it a few months.  I'll be back of course.  I can't seem to stay away. 


Athena

29th-Mar-2015 10:16 am (UTC)
It's been a long time since I was in New Orleans. Years. I know Lafitte's and the Apple barrel Bar on Frenchmen and Bacchanal. I seem to have forgotten most of the places I hung out at, but that's probably for the best.

Were you born there?
29th-Mar-2015 01:10 pm (UTC)

No I wasn't to my knowledge born in New Orleans..Although I do wonder sometimes if in some past life I lived there.  I mean some who settled there were Acadians from the area I was born in here in New Brunswick Canada.  So who knows maybe in a past life I was one of those settlers or maybe I became the child of one after they settled there.  All I really know for certain is the moment I first set foot there in 2003 I felt an immediate connection like I was home finally.  I'm not an American citizen however so I'm not allowed to live there I can only visit.  I like where I live I've a steady job, decent apartment,  my family is here, I hate the snow and cold, but the summer and fall is nice here.  I will always visit New Orleans though can't seem to stay away it calls to me often.  I dream about it constantly. 


Athena

6th-Apr-2015 02:12 pm (UTC)
It is weird when a place you've never been to before immediately seems like home. Makes you wonder. What do any of us really know about the world? I scratched the surface and look what I found. There has to be a reason for what we can't explain. How often do you go?
6th-Apr-2015 02:34 pm (UTC)

It's a strange feeling going to a place you've never been and only read about in books; to finally go there and feel like you've been there before.  It felt very familiar the first time I set foot there. 


I go every year.  Have been since 2003..I didn't go 2005 when Katrina hit..missed 2006,2007,2008 started going back in 2009.  Usually I'd visit in October for Halloween but I wanted to experience other seasons there so in 2012 I went in July (Won't be doing that again too damned hot ha!)  I went In December last year to celebrate my birthday on December 11.  I enjoyed that.  It was nice.  Not as many tourists around then and not too oppressively hot.  In fact I had to wear a jacket a few of the days it was chilly.  I haven't seen mardis Gras yet..I might do that next year.  I am not sure if I can make it down this year, I had to move suddenly and it took a good chunk of any savings I had.  I had to buy all new furniture.  Still haven't got everything yet but a few more pays and I should have it. 


I do have time booked off work in September though..So maybe I'll go for a few days..see how much cash I can scrounge up for it after I have all the furniture bought and this apartment organized. 


Athena

6th-Apr-2015 03:22 pm (UTC)
So it's a spiritual home, somewhere you can always go to feel right about the world. That sounds really great. I like New Orleans a lot. It's a special place. Yes, go in September. There's nothing stopping you. It's good to just get up and go.
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